Utopia
by M. D. Jensen
Summary: Angst romance songfic! Well, sometime after 'it' happened in book five Tonks and Lupin have a little talk about ideals, crushes and, yes, 'it'. NTRL shippy goodness!


Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine!

Note: This was a songfic to Alanis Morisette's Utopia, but now, by guidelines, it's not. Sigh. So if it seems a bit choppy, that's why. First I'm going to delete all the lyrics in my stories, but I won't have time to go back and actually re-write them for a while!

Summary: Somewhere near the end of Order of the Phoenix, Tonks explains her ideals to Remus.

Utopia

_You're going to cry? Baby,_ Nymphadora Tonks scolded herself, blinking very rapidly, sitting alone on the couch in Siruis's old room. She heard a rattling at the door, and quickly scoured her face clean, but the moment that Remus Lupin entered the room, she, quite to her terrible embarrassment, burst into tears.

"Oh," he said quietly, his face falling. "I was unaware that this was the effect I had on you, Tonks," he kidded gently, leaning against the doorway. Tonks didn't reply with the number of times she had indeed cried over him. That really was obsolete now.

"Sorry," she choked, hiding her face in her hand. Remus raised himself from the doorframe and crossed the room, sitting beside her and putting his arm around her shoulder. _Ironic_, she thought in the back of her mind. _This is the exact scenario that I spent two years of my life dreaming about._

Just as she had done in all her fantasies, she fell against him and hugged him back, oddly warm and cold at the same time. She cuddled up against him, sobbing into his hair. He patted her on the head, and she, from a distant, removed point, admired his patience with other people's grief. _Other people's_…

This thought wrenched her to the present. Sobs suddenly and completely quieted, she shot out of arms so fast that he started and studied his face intently. Skin pale, hair considerably silvered, eyes dry and compassionate but also very haunted.

"How are you?" She suddenly asked.

Either the suddenness took him by surprise, or the subject matter. Either way, Remus laughed humorlessly, and cocked his head in question. "I'm feeling better than you were a few seconds ago."

"Are you?" Tonks demanded, completely unaware of how impertinent she sounded currently. "Are you?" Tonks repeated. "I mean, I must come off awfully selfish, crying like this… he was your best friend and you're more accepting than all of the Order put together!"

"Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment," Remus replied in a spacey voice.

"It wasn't really meant as one," Tonks pointed out. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm worried about you," he countered. "You've spent the last week moping around without talking. I want the old Tonks back."

"I want Sirius back," Tonks said bitterly, then looked up in horror at what she had just said. "Oh God… I'm sorry, that sounded way to harsh…"

But Remus, to her amazement, seemed as calm as ever. "It's alright."

Thusly, Tonks continued. "I mean, not to sound rude, but aren't you like… really upset?" she finished lamely.

"Sirius was a very brave man. We all knew that sacrifice was a big part of our work," Remus replied quietly. He gave the distinct impression of over-calm.

"Well, I wish it wasn't that way," Tonks said, well aware that she sounded more like a stubborn toddler, rather than the semi-mature adult that she was.

"Really?" Remus said, drawing his legs up onto the bed and turning to face her, sitting Indian-style. "How do you wish it was? We're a rag-tag group, Tonks, but the Order of the Phoenix is the main force standing between Voldemort and his full return. It comes with risks."

"Do you really want to know what kind of world I want to live in?" Tonks asked, both challenging and genuinely curious as to his curiosity. "Do you want to know?"

He nodded.

"A much different one," Tonks said simply.

"How so?" Remus asked, and though she knew that he was somewhat merely indulging her.

"Just like in the comic books," Tonks said quietly, doubting very much that Remus had heard her. "The good guys would always win." She paused.

"Go on."

Tonks felt bad ranting, but actually felt good about it to. It was release.

"Actually," she pressed on, "we wouldn't have to worry about people like Voldemort. Everyone would be able to agree and no one would feel the need to hurt anyone. It would be peaceful."

"The perfect world," Remus summarized.

"Utopia," Tonks said simply.

"It certainly sounds wonderful," Remus said, almost wistfully.

"Yeah," Tonks said fondly, cradling the idea in her head like her child. Then, for the second time that night, reality enveloped her. "But it's even more impossible than it is that." Tears formed again in her eyes as she said this, and she determinedly blinked her eyes, intent not to let any more tears fall in front of Remus, who seemed to feel the need to be strong for everyone else. Just like he always had…

"Did you know I used to have a major crush on you?" Tonks blurted without thinking, then cursed. _Why the hell did I say **that**?_ "In my first two years at Hogwarts, when you were in your 6th and 7th."

"Actually, I did," Remus said lightly. "I was flattered."

"Flattered?" Tonks repeated weakly. "That's it? You didn't…"

Remus seemed slightly confused at the sudden 180 that the conversation had performed. "Tonks, you have to realize," he said gently, appearing to sort out the words in his head. "You're six years younger than me. When one is 18, six years is a big difference."

"What about when one is older?" Tonks asked, hypothetically hypothetical. Suddenly the butterflies that she had felt as a love-struck second-year surfaced and she realized quite abruptly that the entire time, their faces had been inches apart. "Six years isn't much of a difference now, is it?" She tried to lean closer, but he pulled away.

She fell back, stricken.

"Tonks look," Remus said evenly, though his breathing was slighter hard. "I love you. But I love you like a sister."

"Oh," Tonks whispered.

"Look, maybe it's more than that," Remus admitted suddenly. "But you came on quick. I don't know if now is the best time."

"I'm sorry to have been so abrupt," Tonks said softly, and her heart sunk down as far as it could go as she realized in horror what she has just done.

The look of pain in her today-green eyes was so intense that Remus felt all the shock and discomfort melt away from him. "It's alright. I was only startled. I don't think of you as my sister. It's more than that, it's just… the last few weeks have been very hard. I'm not myself."

Tonks realized with a hazy jolt that the conversation had come full circle and they were back at the very beginning: she was in tears and nonetheless trying to get him to admit his grief. "It's okay," she said. She put her hands on his arms and with the touch of his skin against hers, she felt the confusion at what she had just done ebb. Now all she felt was an urge to hug him very tightly, which didn't confuse her at all.

So that's what she did.

She pulled him against her chest and he obligingly nestled his face into her currently shoulder-length, dark brown hair. She felt him shaking slightly, but not crying; it was more of a tremble, as though not only expressing grief, but also confusion and self-dissapointment. Tonks realized suddenly that he blamed himself for everything: for Sirius, for Harry, for her, and the fairly serious injuries that she had sustained in the same battle in which Sirius had lost his life and Harry had lost his third parent. "It's not your fault," she whispered. "Please don't think it is coz it's not."

Remus shuddered against her, and instead of feeling butterflies rise in her stomach at their bodies' proximity, all she felt was a desire to help this man: a feeling of supreme dedication that exceeded love by a great amount.

Minutes later, Remus raised his head to stare her in the eye, and kissed her cheek. "Thank you," he said. Tonks realized that is cheeks were still dry, and were regaining a slight amount of color. He was still pale, but it was just his normal pallor. He looked much better than he had minutes ago.

_Did I do that?_ She thought briefly, and felt herself responding, "You're welcome," she said blankly.

"In answer to your question," he said suddenly, drawing himself up to full sitting-height and swinging his legs onto the floor, "I wasn't alright. I think I am now, though." He stood.

"Where are you going?" Tonks asked, rising as well. She expected an inspiring answer like, "to get on with my life," or somesuch, but his reply was simply: "To make dinner. It's nearly nine p.m. and you haven't eaten since last afternoon."

"Oh," Tonks said sheepishly. She watched him turn to go, but one single last thought drifted across her mind.

"In my world, people wouldn't die," she blurted suddenly.

Remus turned back, and she was half-horrified, half-satisfied to see tears running down his cheeks at last. "Really? That sounds nice." He said quietly. Then he closed the door.

Tonks fell back, exhausted, but feeling better than she had in weeks. She knew, somehow, that Remus felt this way, too.

Well, what did you think? I am writing so many HP ficlets lately and I haven't revised a single fic… oh well, perhaps I'll start an online list of fics awaiting revision, so that everyone (myself included) can keep track of what's OotP-agreeable, lol! Please review!


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